100 mg of Sertraline

On paper it seemed like Abbey and I were the perfect match for each other. We loved all of the same movies. We expanded each others musical tastes. We traded books. Hours were spent pouring over Ansel Adams and Henri Cartier Bresson photographs. Abbey painted copies of Degas' ballet dancers. I pounded away at my keyboard writing fantastical scripts. She could read my mind when I'd look up at her. I could finish her sentences as if they were my own. On paper, it all seemed to fit.

So how is it that the world can let two people who were once so in love and felt destined to be together, let them fight and yell and scream and be mean and say hurtful things?
What kind of fate is that? Why even bother?

"What if I got it wrong?
And no poem or song
Could put right what I got wrong,
Or make you feel I belong.
What if you should decide
That you don't want me there by your side?
That you don't want me there in your life?"

I want to scream these words at the top of my lungs for the world to hear. I want to curse the Gods. I want to spit in their faces and make them feel for a moment the emptiness my heart has felt since Abbey left.

Abbey is gone. She said she "couldn't do this anymore" because it hurt her too much. She said the blast had changed her. She couldn't keep drudging along in something she wasn't happy with when she and I still had full lives to live. She said our relationship wasn't healthy. She said she didn't want to be the cause of pain in my heart anymore.
So she packed her things, gave Sawyer a scratch on the head and left.

She let go. She let go of me.

For the record, there's nothing she can't do. She can do anything she sets her mind to. The fact of the matter is she doesn't want to keep trying. She doesn't want to see through the bad and good. Which I guess in turn means she doesn't want me.

Then, BOOM! It's six months later and she's touching someone else as I sit here writing to you, recounting the last few years of my life, dissecting every moment I can remember, trying to figure out how it all went wrong.

I could care less that the world around me is literally falling to pieces because of an atomic blast somewhere over the airspace of Kansas and Oklahoma. I don't care that my fingernails and teeth glow in the dark at night. I'm not bothered by the new eye growing in place of Sawyer's blind one. I don't care that I don't have a job to go to, or that I can't check my emails. My world has completely shattered against the ground and this time it doesn't seem like some glue will hold the pieces together again.

Kindly, Dr. So-and-So has me popping 100 mg of Sertraline every morning to help curb the depression, obsessive compulsive disorder and moments of anxiety or manic highs. To help pass my time, I'm scheduled for an hour long therapy session every other Monday.

Red and blue Tuinals. Lipstick red Seconals.

It's very not precise, this pill popping business.

No matter where I go, I see Abbey. I see visions of the life we had, and the ideas we had planned. This city is full of ghosts of a life lived so long ago. I need to find a new place where I don't see a reminder of her on every street corner. I know that no matter where I go, she's forever inside my head, but I can't stand the sight of this place any longer.

Duck and Cover

         "This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. The broadcasters of your area in voluntary cooperation with the FCC and other Allegiances have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency."

         “This is a test. For the next sixty seconds, this station will conduct a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test."

         "If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed to tune into one of the broadcast stations in your area."

Trust me, all of that is smoke and mirrors. It’s all an illusion of safety we’ve cooked up to make ourselves feel safe from danger. Think about it, folks. Seat belts on an airplane? Really? Are they really going to keep you that safe when your pilot loses control and sends you and the rest of the Boeing 727 hurtling at 600mph into the side of Mount St. Helen's? Kiss your ass goodbye. Is that tiny and outdated fire extinguisher perched in the corner of your apartment hallway really going to put out the fire from your neighbor's mattress going up in flames because she likes to smoke in bed? Not likely. When the bomb drops, the bomb drops. When the lone gunman opens fire on the grassy knoll, there’s no time for the Emergency Broadcast System to warn the neighborhood. The shots ring out loud and clear. Martha is polishing the brass on the Titanic, but it’s all going down.

Trust me, the flash of bright light will be plenty of warning. Although I don’t think it’s a warning if it’s already too late. 

I woke up in the same position I had fallen asleep in. Sawyer was curled up in my lap. I could feel the rhythm of his heartbeat in my leg and his warm breath tickled on ankle. I heard a loud breath exhaled, but it wasn’t Sawyer and I knew it wasn’t mine. I slowly turned my neck to peer out over the countertop. My eyes suddenly bulged from their sockets. Abbey was sitting on the couch. I practically threw Sawyer out of my lap as I pulled myself to my feet and, wobbly, walked over to her. When I came round to face Abbey, I stopped in my tracks. She looked up at me and I tried with all of my strength to look at her, but I couldn’t believe she was sitting in front of me. It looked like I was looking at Abbey, but it wasn’t Abbey. Her long, brunette hair was burnt to a crisp and stained black with soot and ash. Her once sun-kissed skin was raw and red. Up and down her arms, pieces of her flesh were completely missing. Her eyes didn’t sparkle in the sunlight like they used to. They felt hollow and sad. I stood in my tracks, unable to process anything.

Abbey stood up and walked toward me. She brushed her hand against my cheek and gently pushed away my hair from my forehead contusion. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. My throat was dry and scratchy. Abbey lowered her hand and gently pulled on my fingers, the way she had done a million times before. My heart fluttered like it had on our first date. She leaned into me and kissed my dry, chapped lips.

“What happened?” I asked breathlessly.

I could still faintly breathe in the smell of her perfume.

Abbey finally spoke, “Everything is going to be okay. We’re going to make it. I promise.” 
She pulled my body into hers as she wrapped her arms around me. 
"Don't let me go." She whispered into my ear.
"Never." I whispered back. 

You don't sell life insurance. It sells itself.

Abbey didn’t answer her phone when I called. Our friends hadn’t seen her around. She didn’t respond to any emails or messages I sent. I didn’t want to call her family and worry them in the event her phone had run out of battery. I also wasn’t about to risk an awkward lecture from her mother about how I’d broken her daughters’ heart for the last time. No thanks. I can play the guilt trip came just fine on my own. 

I pulled some jeans and a dirty sweatshirt out of my hamper. The sweatshirt smelled of Abbey's vanilla perfume. I didn’t know if I should put it on, or save it as a reminder of her. The mind is capable of creating some amazing yet painful fantasies. I tried not to think of the words "murder" or "rape" but that's all that came to mind. To my surprise, Sawyer was still in the basket and popped out too. He gave himself a shake and tossed off some of my socks. I grabbed a fresh pair and threw the dirty ones back in the hamper.  I nervously hovered over Sawyer as he slowly gnawed at his breakfast. He moved much slower than he used to. Every bite of his kibble felt like a year to me. His peanut-butter-covered-spoon concoction full of eye and joint medicine seemed like he’d never finish licking away the tasty and medicinal treats. Time was slipping away and I had no idea where Abbey was. I was scared. The longer I waited the more distance she could have put between us. Cops always tell you to stay at home when someone goes missing, but I don’t think a family can honestly sit at home and not do anything. I think it’s worse to sit in a room surrounded my memories of the missing person. At least on the street your body is in motion and put to use. 

As Sawyer smacked his lips and licked his snout, the living room floor began to shake. Plates and cups in the cupboards rattled. My coffee mug crashed to the ground and shattered into several sharp fragments. I leapt into the kitchen doorway and braced myself against the frame. Sawyer scooted between my legs and buried his tail between his legs. What felt like a normal California earthquake lasted longer than any I had experienced before. More and more belongings went crashing to the floor. For the first time that morning, I wasn’t thinking about Abbey, until I watched as a picture of us hanging on a wall snapped free and the glass exploded out of the frame. 

Several moments later, the shaking stopped. The rumbling of ground petered out. Items quieted down as they returned to their stationary positions. As I took a step out of the doorframe a flash of bright, white light filled up the entire apartment. Windows shattered as a gust hot wind filled the room. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. 

Two weeks later I opened my eyes.  I had been knocked to the floor in front of the refrigerator and oven. The apartment smelt of rotten food, spoiled without electricity.  I rubbed my eyes. They felt like sandpaper and I couldn’t seem to get any moisture going behind them. My mouth was just as dry and tasted like the worst kind of bad breath. The ringing in my ears started to quiet down, but head was still throbbing. I reached up my face a little farther and felt the rough touch of dried blood matted down between skin and hair. My arms and legs felt weak. I used all of the energy I had to push myself into a sitting position. I looked to my left and Sawyer was sitting next to me. Relieved to see I was awake, he reached out a paw and gently rested it on my knee. He seemed to be shaken up, but was still alive. I pulled myself to his cabinet door, luckily it was on the bottom. I poured his dry food across the floor and helped scoot the loose bits toward him in a pile. I rested my head against the cabinet. Before I could even think about Abbey, myself or even what had just happened, my eyes were shut and I was fast asleep. 

Nothing's Going To Change My World

This is the way the world will end. Not with a bang, but with a flash. A flash so bright and brilliant darkness won't fall for next 2 weeks. National Front had it up to here with North Korea. North Korea would no longer stand to be bullied around by America and Britain. The Middle East hated everyone. The rest of the world were too dependent of foreign resources to stand up for themselves.

Jump ahead 3 years in our story to moments before the world will end. Jump ahead in the story about my relationship with Abbey Valmont. Jump past our extensive list of firsts shared together. Jump past the day we moved into a small flat in Noe Valley. Keep on going right past our secret dresser drawer full of wedding magazines we were too scared to have in plain sight. Jump past Sawyer being hit by a car and losing vision in one eye. Jump past the fighting, arguing, and late nights spent crying. Jump straight on through the lowest low where we didn't think we'd ever make it back on top.

Jump to October 30, 2020.

Abbey and I were having an off couple of days. Well, more like an off couple of months. We had been fighting a lot and things seemed harder to keep up than they had before. Sadly, it's not an uncommon thing to happen in all relationships. After the first year of a relationship, it takes more work to keep the sparks still flying. The rosy glasses are removed and you start to see your lover as a real person. A real person full of flaws, mistakes, insecurities and differences from you. It takes a lot more work to look past those things and remember to see the person you fell in love with.

The 29th had been one of our late-night fighting episodes. If you asked me now, I wouldn't be able to tell you what the fight was about. Dirty dishes? Money? Family? That's how it was for most of our fights. It was probably something little that snowballed into the catastrophe it became. Neither one of us could put on the brakes and stop ourselves.  After every fight we promised over and over that we'd stop ourselves and just hold one another until we could calmly talk. It rarely worked. On this night we screamed at each other until our voices were hoarse. We screamed in the living room, in the kitchen, even through the bathroom door. Sawyer made himself scarce as he hid inside my dirty clothes hamper in the closet. It wasn't until early into the morning that we finally collapsed on the bed. We were both completely exhausted with tired, puffy, red eyes, raw throats, and pounding headaches. We slept next to each other, but the loving touch that once bound us together each night was missing.

When I awoke the next morning, I didn't feel Abbey's body between the sheets. I didn't hear the shower running, or the clicking sound of her laptop keys. I wiped my hand across her side of the bed. It wasn't quite warm, but it wasn't completely cold. After I pulled myself out of bed, stepped into my slippers and gave Sawyer an apologetic look, I walked into the living room. Abbey wasn't there. Her shoes and jacket were gone. Her car keys weren't on the hook. I couldn't find her phone or wallet. My mind raced as I thought of the worst possible scenarios that could have happened. Where had she gone? Was she okay? Who was she with, a friend? Another girl? Please, don't let it be another girl. 

I walked over to the kitchen table. A single white sheet of paper was set square in the middle. In Abbey's handwriting was the note, "I'm going to make this all up to you. I love you."

I Saw Her Standing There

We didn't kiss at the end of our first date. We didn't kiss at the end of our second date, although by then anyone could have cut the tension between us with a knife.  It wasn't until the beginning of our third date that we finally sealed the deal. I sealed the deal.

Sawyer was happy to see Abbey again. His tail was wagging on overdrive as we pulled into a parking spot at Fort McArthur. When we got out of the car he bounded off toward Abbey and didn't care to look back to see if I was coming. I paused for a moment before joining the duo and looked at how happy Sawyer was. I noticed what felt more important to me was to see that Abbey was happy. When she smiled, I smiled. When she laughed, I laughed. When she wanted to tackle the challenges of the world, I wanted to be standing next to her. I locked my car and walked over to Sawyer who had managed to wiggle his way into her lap. Abbey stood up and without thinking I pulled her body close to mine.

“Hey, baby. What’s up?” Abbey asked? 

"I'd really like to kiss you right now." I said as I pulled her face close and felt her soft lips graze mine.

Sawyer started scratching at my leg before too long. I stepped back and watched with excitement and suspense as Abbey opened her eyes and gave me a look of passion and intensity I'd never forget. We may not have said "I love you" until a month later, but in that moment, I was absolutely certain I was falling for her.

I hooked Sawyer's leash to his collar and we all took off down the sandy path. I walked with Sawyer's leash in my left hand and Abbey's hand in my right. My heart still flutters when she grabs hold and tugs at my fingers. We received our share of dirty looks from strangers on the street, but we apologized to no one. It's hard to imagine a time when seeing a gay or lesbian couple holding hands as they walk down the street wasn't acceptable. It's even harder to believe how regressed society has become under the National Front. I think we take for granted things like gay marriage and visibility when the advocates before us had such a hard, uphill battle to fight. Seven years ago in this city people were still arguing over the definition of marriage. It feels like a lifetime ago when Proposition 8 reared it's ugly head, but it really wasn't.


 After President Obama's administration, Democrats were right to be scared the Republicans would gain control of the White House. With the everlasting war in the Middle East, threats of nuclear terror looming from North Korea and genocide in Africa,  I don't think anyone saw Centralist Sen. Rachel Turner coming out ahead in the elections. It took even more of the world by surprise when she and Vice President Tower were assassinated. 

Abbey and I kicked off our shoes as we got closer to the beach with the sand squishing between our toes. We didn't have a care in the world and it felt as if we were the last two people on the planet. We talked endlessly about music and movies, art, religion, traveling and anything else that came to mind. I could see our lives slowly merging into one. People often wonder if there is such thing as love at first sight. I used to think there couldn’t possibly be such a thing. The French call it “le flashe.” Luce from, Imagine Me and You, says it best and Abbey, since seeing the film, often times likes to quote her, much to my amusement. “I think you know immediately. As soon as your eyes... Then everything that happens from then on just proves that you have been right in that first moment. When you suddenly realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole...”

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

I met Abbey at the small bakery, Petit Gateau, on the corner of Market and Castro Street at  4:25pm on April 29. It was our first date. We agreed to grab a small bite before, then a drink after catching the 2-for-1 retro movie showing at the Castro Theatre. Abbey had never seen Imagine Me and You before, and I hardly needed an excuse for watching I Can't Think Straight on the big screen. Honestly, I've never missed a retro night at the theatre and I wasn't about to start. With Chancellor Henley squeezing the life out of all forms of lesbian and gay media, I thought for sure the Theatre would have been shut down, until it crumbled to the ground years later. 


When we met that afternoon her smile was contagious. I couldn't hold back the smile taking shape across my face and washing away any signs of worry and doubt. We walked towards each other with outstretched arms and hugged for what felt like an eternity that came and went all too quickly. I felt her give an extra squeeze right before we let go. My heart fluttered as I realized that all of these feelings could disappear at any moment. Wiping those thoughts from my mind, I pulled the door open for her as we neared the bakery and took in a deep breath of her sweet smelling perfume as she walked by. When we sat down with our coffee and mini cakes, I tried not to shake the entire table as my knee began to nervously bounce up and down.
"How's Sawyer doing today?" Abbey asked inquisitively.
"Oh, he's doing fine. He got a long walk in Fort McArthur this morning so I'm sure he's sound asleep now." I replied.
"I've never been to Fort McArthur. I've heard it's a pretty view of the city."
I looked up through my coffee and our eyes met, "It's one of my favorite places. You can see across the entire city, out across the water and Golden Gate Bridge and into Berkeley and Oakland. I'm sure Sawyer would love your company if you wanted to come with us."
Abbey let out a soft chuckle and I felt my lips curl into a smile in return.


When we finished our coffee and cakes, we pushed our chairs into the table and strolled towards the theatre. Outside, we kept bumping our shoulders, elbows and finger tips together. I didn't know if it was on accident or purpose, but I know I didn't mind it. I consciously switched my purse onto my opposite arm, freeing my hand and arm closest to her. Since we've been together, we've often times looked back on our first date and laughed. Abbey admits she didn't notice me moving my purse around, thereby missing my signals to her. She said she was too busy hoping I would just grab her hand.


With either an endorphin or sugar rush surging through me, I took the lead as we stepped up toward the ticket counter.
Brightly, "Two for the retro show tonight," I requested.
Abbey let out a little laugh and shook her head at me. Her eyebrows perked up and a cute little smirk let out the words, "Thank you, Kayden." She replied, as I handed her the ticket.
"You're very welcome," I confidently cooed back. 
Inside the dimly lit theatre my stomach sank and I began to regret making a movie our first date. It's a classic first-date faux-pas. I quickly realized there was no real opportunity for us to continue talking and I couldn't even look at her without it being obvious.  Until the movie started, I quietly mumbled on about other lesbian movies, shows and music I knew about that the Allegiances had banned. Abbey seemed interested, but I felt like she was just humoring me and was silently counting the minutes until the date was over.


When Imagine Me and You started I felt on edge. "Would she like the film? Would she think I was weird for liking the film? What happens if she gets bored? I hope she doesn't talk during the movie... but I want to talk to her..." My mind was racing. I tried to take comfort by enjoying Luce and Rachel on the big screen, but it didn't seem to work. She laughed at all the right moments and seemed to genuinely enjoy the film. After holding my breath for what felt like the entire first movie, I let out a sigh of relief when Tala and Leyla finally took center stage. Abbey still had a smile on her face and I took that as a good sign. My nerves were put to rest after the opening credits of the second film. As my hand rested on my knee, all clammy with sweat that wouldn't go away, Abbey reached over and intertwined her fingers with mine. I looked over at her in complete surprise.
She leaned toward me and whispered, "It's okay, you can relax."